Wednesday, 14 February 2018

Om du bara visste

Jag hittade min gamla blogg härom dagen. Den finns fortfarande där ute på internätet om en vet var en skall leta. Tänk att det var över tio år sedan jag började blogga. Den som skriver påminner om mig på många sätt, ibland pinsamt mycket, men är också ganska mycket mer av en idiot än vad jag tror mig vara nu. Säkert kommer jag tänka samma sak om dessa skriverier om ytterligare tio år. Om jag skulle skicka ett brev till mig då så skulle jag skriva så här:

Kära sjuttonåring,

Om du bara visste. Om du bara visste vem du skall bli, och vad du skall vara med om. Så mycket glädje och så mycket smärta du har framför dig. Så mycket du har att lära dig. Så mycket du fortfarande kommer ha kvar att lära dig om tio år.

Vet du vad en av dina bästa egenskaper är? Att du är så öppensinnig. Det sa en person som älskar dig idag. En person du inte har träffat än, men som kommer att fullständigt ta dig med storm. Du kommer träffa fler sådana människor än du trodde var möjligt.

Släpp in dem. Det värsta du kan göra mot dig själv är att bygga murar runt ditt hjärta. Ja, du kommer bli sårad, men vad som spelar roll i längden är vad du gör efteråt. Försök vara lite mindre av en självisk idiot för varje misstag du gör så kommer du bli en fantastiskt fin människa.

Men glöm inte bort dig själv. Sluta döma dig själv så hårt, och sluta låta dig kvävas av stress, annars kommer det sätta djupa spår i ditt psyke. Jag vet, det är inte lätt. Du kommer kanske aldrig att sluta vilja för mycket. Men livet ordnar sig fastän du inte hinner allt.

Och sinnesfrid ligger redan och väntar i ditt hjärta, även om det kommer dröja länge innan du fattar att denna insikt är precis vad som väntar på andra sidan äventyren. Du är fin. Du är bra. Du är älskad. Och du är aldrig någonsin ensam.

Kramar från ditt framtida jag

Thursday, 1 February 2018

Som en ångvält utan handbroms i nedförsbacke

Jävlar vad jag är positiv och gör en massa saker! Men det sitter någon slags demon innanför mina revben och liksom gnager på mitt hjärta. Den gör kroppen tung och sinnet oroligt. Det skall inte kännas så nästan jämt. Men jag har insett bortom alla tvivel nu att min inre stress inte bara beror på yttre omständigheter. Den finns där även när det inte finns något konkret att vara stressad över.

Det är alldeles för lätt att hitta på förklaringar till en diffus känsla och intala sig att så fort det eller det har löst sig, eller så fort jag har gjort det eller det, så kommer allt att kännas lugnt. Men det funkar ju inte så. Jag vill kunna uppleva lugn mer eller mindre oberoende av mina yttre omständigheter. Det har gått ett bra tag sedan det rådde konstant krisläge i mitt liv, ändå tycks jag ha så svårt att koppla av.

Jag brukar säga att jag aldrig har tråkigt, men det är kanske för att jag inte låter mig själv ha det. Ständigt sysselsätter jag mig med stimulerande saker, om inte i praktiken så löper fantasin och kreativiteten amok i tankarna. Kanske behöver jag lära mig att ta pauser från det.

Men hur? Att bli eremit på ett berg är inte riktigt ett alternativ. Jag vill liksom kunna leva något som inte vore helt olikt ett rimligt liv, utan att känna den här ständiga hetsen. Visst motiveras jag av lust i mycket av det jag gör, men när jag kommer på mig själv med att engagera mig i saker bara för att inte göra andra besvikna har det gått åt helvete för långt.

Jag trodde att stressen mer eller mindre skulle släppa av sig själv när läget blev lugnare, men tydligen inte. Jag vaknar fortfarande ofta med hjärtklappning och en känsla av undergång, även om jag vet att jag kommer klara det arbete jag tar mig för, att jag snart kommer få träffa någon i vars sällskap jag inte behöver låtsas, och att det egentligen finns väldigt få saker som jag måste göra. 

Det är som att stressen har byggt bo i min kropp och vägrar att släppa taget. Kanske skall det vara så här, kanske gnäller jag över ingenting. Jag är ju uppenbarligen fantastiskt funktionell jämfört med hur det har varit i en del kassa perioder. Jag jobbar, jag producerar kreativa saker, jag upprätthåller till någon grad ett socialt liv, min kropp förfaller inte. Men nej, jag vägrar. Om livet går ut på att tvångsmässigt uträtta det ena stordådet eller trivialiteten efter den andra med tankar som maler på som en ångvält utan handbroms i en nedförsbacke, då vill jag inte vara med längre.

Jag vill kunna bara existera, själv och i sällskap av andra, utan att den där demonen viskar mig skuldkänslor, med munnen full av hjärtmuskel och med klorna envist inborrade i mina lungor. Att säga nej lite oftare, det vore najs. Till både mig själv och andra. Och att sluta bry mig så förbannat jävla mycket.

Kärlek och det löser sig för fan,
Winterdragon

Wednesday, 24 January 2018

Survival strategies


There will come a time when there'll be nothing but survival on my mind
and it's coming up soon, it's coming up now I can feel it
And I want you to feel, I want you to know
that I really can't make it on my own
no, not this time

Help me wash this from my mind, help me get through this alive
Splash my soul with a splendour of colour
Let us talk through all this time, painting stars upon our minds
Let's create a vibrant Universe between us

Keep reminding me to breathe, hold me close when I am weak
Let us walk as far as our legs will take us
Let me share what's on your mind, share the love and pain you find
Let us write a fairytale without an ending

Help me turn the world around, by mere inches at a time
Lift my spirit up with music sung together
Let us dance and let us play, let us love the night away
Let us find the key to life in union
and creation

Love and friendship,
Winterdragon

Monday, 8 January 2018

Review: Imajica by Clive Barker

ImajicaImajica by Clive Barker

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Of all the books which have ever spoken to me, this one shot straight up among my absolute favourites. Deliciously transgressive in the ideas it conveys, this story has profound things to say about sex, love, gender, death, gods and magic. In exquisite language, the book alternated between raising the hairs on my back, making me cry out of joy, depriving me of breath in anticipation, and tugging at my heart in anguish, throughout its entirety of 800+ pages. Revelation is not too strong a word to describe my experience reading this.



View all my reviews

Tuesday, 2 January 2018

Scotland




Happy new year from Scotland! I'm having a pretty excellent time. There is change and hope and sacredness up on the horizon. Here's to surviving another one.

Love and adventure,
Winterdragon

Friday, 29 December 2017

Quoth 2017

I've no desire to sum up the year for all to see this time around. Instead I've dug through my collection of quotes, and leave you with a sample of them which more or less cryptically sums up my life this year. All the books quoted are well worth reading, for the record. Happy new year, bitches!

January
Real magic can never be made by offering up someone else's liver. You must tear out your own, and not expect to get it back. The true witches know that.
— Peter S. Beagle (The Last Unicorn)

February
"Go into the arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something."
- Kurt Vonnegut

March
Nothing is more important than that you see and love the beauty that is right in front of you, or else you will have no defense against the ugliness that will hem you in and come at you in so many ways.
— Neal Stephenson (Anathem)

April
Study without desire spoils the memory, and it retains nothing that it takes in.” 
— Leonardo da Vinci

May
It hadn't been a good day; sanity was a distant memory.
— Terry Pratchett (Pyramids)

June
Every single one of us possesses the strength to attempt something he isn't sure he can accomplish. It can be running a mile, or a 10K race, or 100 miles. It can be changing a career, losing 5 pounds, or telling someone you love her (or him).” 
― Scott Jurek (Eat and Run)

July
The right use of knowledge is fulfilment.
— Ursula K. LeGuin (Four Ways to Forgiveness)

August
Moderation? It's mediocrity, fear, and confusion in disguise. It's the devil's reasonable deception. It's the wobbling compromise that makes no one happy. Moderation is for the bland, the apologetic, for the fence sitters of the world afraid to take a stand. It's for those afraid to laugh or cry, for those afraid to live or die.
— Dan Millman (Way of the Peaceful Warrior)

September
"I don't know that I ever wanted greatness, on its own. It seems rather like wanting to be an engineer, rather than wanting to design something - or wanting to be a writer, rather than wanting to write. It should be a by-product, not a thing in itself. Otherwise, it's just an ego trip."
- Roger Zelazny (Prince of Chaos)

October
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven
— John Milton (Paradise Lost)

November
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.
— Ambrose Redmoon

December
Let it come, at last, and bring an end to the tyranny of hope.
— Clive Barker (Weaveworld)

Love and time,
Winterdragon

Saturday, 9 December 2017

Sacred music



“We LOVE chorale music. Especially if it's pagan!”

My neck hurts, my throat is sore, and my head is pounding. But I'll be damned if I'm not brimming with joy and life.

What a concert. So much energy. And seeing a violinist, a harpist and a hurdy-gurdy player headbang in unison is a rather majestic sight.

To think that I have ears and eyes and legs enough to experience such music. If that's not bliss I don't know what is.

Sometimes I am the happiest dragon in the world.

Love and music,
Winterdragon

Wednesday, 29 November 2017

The flood


Things are under water which should not be under water. Beings are dead who should not be dead. Thoughts are in my head which should not be in my head. The flood is deep and muddy. The current is strong, and the water is awfully icy.

But who's to decide what should be and what shouldn't? My sense of right and wrong is very strong, but I might be wrong. Once upon a time the desert canyons on Mars were rivers. And the path which is now a lake used to be the bottom of a sea.

Things change. That's the one thing to which we can truly cling. One day this too shall pass, but for now the bridges are still standing. Not everything will be swept away by this flood, and one of these days the entire lake might freeze over.

Life isn't fair, things just happen, and sometimes the heart is so heavy it seems to desire melding with the Earth's core. But music, and the power of creation, makes it a little easier to carry.

Love and water,
Winterdragon

Monday, 20 November 2017

Celebrating transgender day of remembrance


I'm sitting here celebrating Transgender Day of Remembrance by eating cake. This is a day where we're supposed to remember and honor all those who have lost their lives to anti-transgender violence, so this might seem a touch morbid. But yes, I'm fucking celebrating.

I'm celebrating that I am transgender (words which accurately describe me, arranged from general to specific: genderqueer, non-binary, agender), and that I am still alive. This is a triumph! A huge success.

So cheers to all my transgender friends for making it through another day! Our existence is worth celebrating. Because despite the state the world is in, we have to do our best to live with hope in our hearts. 

Despite the fact that there are people out there who want to see us dead for no better reason than that we exist. Despite the fact that some of these people might know our address.

Despite the standard waiting-time for medical help to transition is being measured in years, and that some are denied entirely.

Despite the fact that our existence is constantly denied. Despite the fact that children are raised into thinking there is something wrong with them, that teenagers are thrown out by their parents, that grown-ups are abandoned by their significant others. Despite the fact that we're outlawed in many countries.

Despite the fact that many of us have no reasonable alternative to spending our whole lives in the closet, hiding our hearts behind identities forced upon us.

Despite the fact that most of us are to some degree suicidal.

Despite all this, I mean it with all my heart when I say that things really do get better. Maybe not tomorrow. Maybe not for each single individual. But in the grand scheme of things, and for us transgenders as a people (we're millions), it serves a purpose to live with the conviction that a brighter future is ahead.

We will turn things around, because we're not alone. There is support and understanding to be found in other transgenders, and we have allies.

Want to be a good ally? Want to be a force in the world to counteract the hate which is literally killing us in the streets? Here's a bunch of things you can do.

  • Educate yourself. Read up on transgender terminology and facts. Start with Wikipedia rather than pestering transgender friends/acquaintances/strangers.
  • If you have a transgender friend or family member, join an organisation for allies. Offer to escort your friend to the pride parade or queer happening of the week/month/year.
  • Realise that words have power. Do your best at using people's preferred pronouns and names. Practice goes a long way.
  • Stand up for your transgender friends so they won't have to spend all their energy defending their identities. Correct other people using the wrong pronouns, join demonstrations, argue against people saying stupid or offensive things.

I will end this day lighting a candle for all those unfortunates who have already been lost. To the violence of others, and not least to suicide.

Then I'll finish my cake, and go to sleep in the hope of a brighter tomorrow. Thank you, transgender friends out in the open. Your courage is inspiration. Thank you, transgender friends still in the closet, for making it through another day. Your existence takes a very special kind of courage. And lastly, thank you cis-gendered friends who through your actions prove yourselves allies. Your taking a stand is a matter of life and death.

Love and power,
Winterdragon

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

In your mind, in the world

At this time, when the night is embracing the day ever more tightly, 
I'd just like to say to whoever might be reading this: 
yes 
Yes, there is room in the world for you 
and it is unbelievable how enough you are. 
Look up: the stars are smiling at you. 
Look down: the Earth is there to support you. 
Look around: there are people who give a shit about something.
Look inside: your heart is still working
despite all it's been through.
The air is ripe with possibility
and there will be time enough to sleep.
So go somewhere
in your mind, in the world
and keep on telling your stories.



I wonder if I'm allowed
just ever to be

Love and a feeling of going,
Winterdragon