Friday, 24 March 2017

One day

The unbroken spirit obscured and disquiet 
Finds clearness this trial demands 
And at the end of this day sighs an anxious relief 
For the fortune lies still in his hands 
If there's a pensive fear, a wasted year 
A man must learn to cope 
If his obsession's real 
Suppression that he feels must turn to hope

One day I will feel good about myself regardless of whether or not I accomplish things. One day I won't feel shame for choosing my health above ambitions. One day I'll understand that I deserve to be loved. One day I'll learn to turn the self-criticism down a notch or three. One day I won't let myself ruin wonderful moments with frets about what I'm missing or failing. One day I'll realise the difference between what I want and what I need. One day I'll put my stubbornness and patience to more constructive use than obsession and compulsion. One day self-love will finally conquer self-hate.

This is who I want to become. Perhaps it is already who I am. I just need to get rid of all the parts holding the best version of myself at bay. Because I'd like to see this person shining through more than in occasional glimpses. It's time to take the time to make that happen.

Love and a battle-cry,

Thursday, 9 March 2017

Just keep on trying

Have you ever looked into the mirror and seen nothing but despair staring back at you from behind your own eyes? Have you ever felt stress coiling around your chest like a boa constrictor, for weeks and weeks? Have you ever looked around you only to find a world that doesn't seem to want you around? Have you ever really noticed what happens when you forget how to breathe?

Fuck, hope is hard to find right now. But I'll be damned if I ain't gonna try.

Love and struggle,

Tuesday, 21 February 2017

Too much light far too soon

I sleep all right, but still I'm so tired. It's that time of year, I guess. When the light wakes up before I do and hurts my eyes. Making mud from snow and hurrying the flowers up from their beds while I'm left way behind. I wish I was ready to flourish, I really do. But spring waits for nobody, and when reality comes around to shake me out like a dusty rug I manage nothing but falling to pieces. Springs are always the worst time of the year for me, so why would it be any different this time? There are so many things I'm sick and tired of. Never feeling good enough, for example. It seems to be fairly unrelated to accomplishments, too, which means there's no way out of it even if I would manage to live a productive life. Not that it's likely to happen. When just making it outside the front door is a struggle, how can I hope to contribute anything of consequence to the world?

Most of all I'm sick of being a student. And of smartphones.

We lie in bed
The wireless dancing through my head
Until I fear the space between my breath
I see an end to where I don't love you like I can
Cause I've forgotten how it feels (amen)
To love someone or thing for real (amen)
Darling when you wake, remind me what we've done
That can't be shared, or saved, or even sung

Love and moping,

Wednesday, 15 February 2017


Once I reached for love
Now I reach for life

So soon...

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Inexplicable delight

Maybe sometimes happiness has a reason. But I think most of the time you simply find yourself with happiness thrust upon you, while you seek to rationalise to yourself the cause of this emotion. This has its uses, I'm sure; if you can identify correlations that may help you do things to increase your happiness. But I believe it is just as important to just indulge in the feeling. To be thankful for the inexplicable delights coming your way is a good exercise in finding happiness in whatever situation life throws you into. A lot of the time reasons are beyond our comprehension, anyway. We're not only subjugate to the chaos of this world, we are chaotic systems to our very nature.

Not that I think that maximising happiness is or should be the supreme goal of life. Emotional constancy would nullify the whole concept of happiness, and besides there are other more important and interesting values to strive towards. But it is nicer to be happy than to be sad, and so there is no shame in enjoying the heck out of it while it lasts. I found this music today. It fills me with happiness. I have no idea why, and I'm content to leave it at that.

Love and happiness,

Monday, 6 February 2017

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A thousand nights, continued

One Thousand and One Arabian Nights, Vol 2 of 16One Thousand and One Arabian Nights, Vol 2 of 16 by Anonymous

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

A hundred and twenty-five nights into the layers upon layers of stories. Some further reflections:

- A night is anywhere between three and forty-five minutes long.
- The slutshaming knows no bounds.
- Shaharazad is my new idol. Them storytelling skills!

Despite the mostly outdated morals, I'm having a hard time not enjoying this.

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Wednesday, 18 January 2017

A thousand nights and a night

30 nights into this colossus of a tale containing a staggering amount of layers of stories, I have taken away the following:
  • Women are deceitful and unfaithful by nature, and it is a reasonable thing to kill them if they are found guilty of adultery. Better make sure that they are actually guilty _before_ slaying them, though.
  • Beautiful people are by nature good and deserve one another, while ugly people are fair game for playing tricks upon.
  • It is a desirable thing to marry one's cousin, except when they are ugly, or mean.
  • Telling a good story about your adventures will often save you if your life is under threat, so do practice your storytelling!
Love and stories,

Tuesday, 17 January 2017


My desktop is nowhere near as messy as my mind is.

Apparently it's been four years since I took a course in statistics. A lot of neglect and a mental breakdown since then means there's not much left of the knowledge in me, nevertheless I'm trying to use it for my master's thesis. It is coming back to me, although ever so slowly. I believe I made some progress today, and actually produced a result of scientific interest. There was a time when I managed stuff like this every day, but nowadays performing a simple chi-squared test is considered a huge success. We'll see whether or not I'll be crying after meeting with my supervisor tomorrow, but right now I have some hope of actually finishing this project.

And then there is the folk music. I managed to mostly pick up a tune that was taught today at the rehearsal, so I guess I am learning how to play by ear. It makes me so happy, being able to do a thing which seemed to me nigh-on impossible not very long ago. And even when I'm unable to follow along in their playing I am so, so glad to be surrounded by such lovely tunes (and people!). 

Even my poetry is starting to come out of the stand-still it's sunken into the past month or so. All in all, it is a good day to be alive. Life looks bright, and my heart is so light to carry.

Love and joy,

Friday, 13 January 2017

A one-way love affair

Oh, mountains. I haven't been home for two weeks, and I miss you already. Every time I find myself in mountainous terrain I ask myself why I live in this godforsaken flatland of a place, bereft of forest and all. I'm in love, there's no doubt about it. The deep, mad kind of love, which makes one go oh wow I want to be with you forever will you please let me worship you?

But I'm not sure I could stand living with them in the long run. I would have pretty much constant access to things that now are to me rare luxuries: snow, darkness, aurora, excellent stargazing opportunities, silence, solitude, breathtaking beauty. That is a fact. But would it be worth the price of isolation? My roots here have grown deeper than I intended, and I am aware of how painful it would be to pull them up. It is a dangerous thing to make friends with people, you know. They might make you feel like you belong.

But then again, the feeling of longing is so strong that I cannot help thinking about how and when I will next be able to visit them, even while I'm still there. If that's love or just plain old human inability to be content in the present situation I'm not sure, but the feeling doesn't seem to go away. I guess what I need is to find a balance between the joy I find in having a home amidst people I love and who care about me and my desire for beauty and adventure. Right now that would mean keeping the mountains in a long-distance relationship.

Does it make sense to love someone (or something, in this case) who lacks the capacity to love you back? Can it ever bring anything other than pain? Sometimes I wish I had the ability to control, or at least direct, my desires. But then again, if I somehow managed to have them removed, I'm not sure there would me much left of me.

Love and mountains,